God is Goodness.
God is good.
It's been over a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog. Clearly it hasn't been a priority, but I've forgotten how much I actually enjoy writing here. Let's play catch up.
I spent some time the other day reading through some of my old entries, laughing out loud at some of the things I wrote as a college freshman. Despite how humorous I found many of those entries, I reflect on those memories with a little bittersweet heartache, somewhat wishing for them again. Even back then, I had a growing sense of who I was, and had a vision for who I wanted to become. I remember the feelings I had when I received my mission call, waiting to leave on a mission, and the fear/anxiety/excitement I felt right before I entered the MTC. I remember with great fondness that freshman year meeting friends who would forever change my life, and ultimately help me to reach my goals of becoming who I hoped to be.
Coming home from the mission was rewarding, good, but not at all what I expected. The last entry I wrote, back in March of 2015, was right in the middle of some of the darkest days I've experienced in my life. Known to only a couple select individuals, I hid my struggles with feelings of anxiety and depressive thoughts those first several months home. No matter what I did, no matter how "worthy" I was, no matter how hard I tried in school, the smallest amount of failure sent me tumbling into a tornado of doubt, sadness, and guilt. The greatest burden of my suffering eased after a few months, but there was always a little grey cloud hanging over my head, even after several months leading up to a year of being home.
Almost two years later, I can say with confidence and relief today that I have found me -- the me I had imagined I would be when I stepped off the plane after my mission. Was it the path I had expected (or even wanted to take)? Heck no. But what I learned, and a little more honestly what I was reminded of, is this:
In the middle of my struggle, I turned to trusted church leaders, in whom I sought and got help. Different experiences within the last year, both painful and unexpected, taught me to have trust in my Father in Heaven and in His plan for me. Some of those experiences I would've given anything to avoid, to have the bitter cup removed from me, but in hindsight -- and for the first time admitting this to myself openly -- I needed them to happen. I was not ready to accept the goodness and bounty and light that those experiences will one day offer me. I see now that I simply wasn't ready for them then. My pride and selfishness blinded me to thinking I knew best. It wasn't that my desires weren't good, or weren't righteous, and honestly, those desires are still within my heart, and I know the Lord has seen them and recognized them! However, the Lord needed to teach me (as He still does) over and over again, how much I needed Him and that I had something specific to learn. The doors that He granted to close allowed for other doors to open: doors of healing, doors of learning, and doors of gratitude and faith.
I am still learning. I am still growing. I will always be healing and growing and learning until one day I stand before the Lord and He makes me completely, perfectly whole. I suppose that's what I get for being a flawed human, but I know now that it's OK to be flawed. It's OK to make mistakes. It's OK to let good things go so better things can take root, heal, and grow again.
I believe in hope. I believe in faith. I believe in second chances. I believe in learning from mistakes. I believe that He has seen every tear as a silent prayer where words couldn't be expressed. I believe He knows us perfectly. I believe that God will answer prayers. I believe He sees me as who I can become. I believe He will grant unto each of His children the righteous desires of their hearts. I believe in the healing of the Atonement. I KNOW that what Christ heals STAYS healed.
God is goodness. I've seen it throughout my life, but now I feel it.
It's been over a year and a half since I last wrote on this blog. Clearly it hasn't been a priority, but I've forgotten how much I actually enjoy writing here. Let's play catch up.
I spent some time the other day reading through some of my old entries, laughing out loud at some of the things I wrote as a college freshman. Despite how humorous I found many of those entries, I reflect on those memories with a little bittersweet heartache, somewhat wishing for them again. Even back then, I had a growing sense of who I was, and had a vision for who I wanted to become. I remember the feelings I had when I received my mission call, waiting to leave on a mission, and the fear/anxiety/excitement I felt right before I entered the MTC. I remember with great fondness that freshman year meeting friends who would forever change my life, and ultimately help me to reach my goals of becoming who I hoped to be.
Coming home from the mission was rewarding, good, but not at all what I expected. The last entry I wrote, back in March of 2015, was right in the middle of some of the darkest days I've experienced in my life. Known to only a couple select individuals, I hid my struggles with feelings of anxiety and depressive thoughts those first several months home. No matter what I did, no matter how "worthy" I was, no matter how hard I tried in school, the smallest amount of failure sent me tumbling into a tornado of doubt, sadness, and guilt. The greatest burden of my suffering eased after a few months, but there was always a little grey cloud hanging over my head, even after several months leading up to a year of being home.
Almost two years later, I can say with confidence and relief today that I have found me -- the me I had imagined I would be when I stepped off the plane after my mission. Was it the path I had expected (or even wanted to take)? Heck no. But what I learned, and a little more honestly what I was reminded of, is this:
God is good. God is light. He will not, He cannot, forsake His sons or daughters in their moments of darkness. He allows us to walk in the shadows of darkness, but as long as we hold to the iron rod, we will make it through, and once again behold the light.
(1 Nephi 8:23, 30)
In the middle of my struggle, I turned to trusted church leaders, in whom I sought and got help. Different experiences within the last year, both painful and unexpected, taught me to have trust in my Father in Heaven and in His plan for me. Some of those experiences I would've given anything to avoid, to have the bitter cup removed from me, but in hindsight -- and for the first time admitting this to myself openly -- I needed them to happen. I was not ready to accept the goodness and bounty and light that those experiences will one day offer me. I see now that I simply wasn't ready for them then. My pride and selfishness blinded me to thinking I knew best. It wasn't that my desires weren't good, or weren't righteous, and honestly, those desires are still within my heart, and I know the Lord has seen them and recognized them! However, the Lord needed to teach me (as He still does) over and over again, how much I needed Him and that I had something specific to learn. The doors that He granted to close allowed for other doors to open: doors of healing, doors of learning, and doors of gratitude and faith.
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| This summer I was able to return to Germany & Austria on a study abroad. The 6 weeks I spent traveling, eating, and living in my beloved home-away-from-home was a dream come true, and moreover I realized was an open window when I thought all doors were closed. I like to think the joy in this picture my friend Elizabeth captured when we were able to attend the Freiberg, Germany LDS temple open house, was God's way of reminding me "See? Everything is going to work out and it's going to be ok. Just trust Me." How grateful I am to know that He is right. He is in charge, and all promised blessings will come forth in His time. |
I believe in hope. I believe in faith. I believe in second chances. I believe in learning from mistakes. I believe that He has seen every tear as a silent prayer where words couldn't be expressed. I believe He knows us perfectly. I believe that God will answer prayers. I believe He sees me as who I can become. I believe He will grant unto each of His children the righteous desires of their hearts. I believe in the healing of the Atonement. I KNOW that what Christ heals STAYS healed.
God is goodness. I've seen it throughout my life, but now I feel it.
"The thought is this: the Atonement leaves no tracks, no traces. What it fixes is fixed. It just heals, and what it heals stays healed."
- Boyd K. Packer
- Nat
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